Welcome Madden Roy

It was Kendell's first night of five when I had woken around 5 a.m for what felt like my millionth trip to the bathroom. I checking on Knox when suddenly I felt as if my water had broken. Confused, I chalked it up to pregnancy bladder and went back to bed. After two or three more times of this, I decided to call my mom and ask her opinion. She told me I probably needed to be seen and that she was on her way to pick up Knox. I called Kendell (who was on his way home from work and exhausted) and explained the situation. The doctors office didn't open until 8:00 so Kendell and I decided to be there when they opened.
Soon after my mom got to my house she started putting some of Knox's things into a bag. I was in denial. I'm not the type that likes to go to the doctor for things and I begun to think maybe this was all completely normal. Plus, how embarrassing would it be to have the doctor say you're just peeing your pants! I was only 34 weeks along and for the most part felt fine. Days earlier I started working on my things-to-do-before-baby list- I was no where close to finished. Slowly, I ate breakfast and began to put on my make up, started some laundry, and picked up around the house. I started to worry. I looked at my mom and I could tell in her eyes, that we both knew I was having this baby today- I knew it in my heart.There was no denying it and the more I realized it, the quicker I began to get things ready. I was scared. Not only because I knew the pain that was unavoidably ahead of me, but I knew the complications that come with having a premature baby. Countless nights I would lay in bed at night, scrolling through pictures of what my baby looked like that week, how big he was, the developments happening- 34 weeks was FAR from 40. It hurt my heart to see pictures of those that had actually been born that early. Never did I think that would be us. I couldn't help but think of how small he was going to be and the heart ache we were soon to experience. After a few melt downs, I realized I had to pull myself together because I had no control over the situation. Heavenly Father had a plan and regardless, things were going to happen as they should. We decided to have my dad and Kendell give me a blessing. A blessing that I would find peace and comfort and that everything would go smoothly. We quickly said goodbye and were off.
Throughout my pregnancy, our doctor assured Kendell and I that he would deliver. He warned us that he takes a week off every year to go hunting, but that it was in June. We weren't concerned but should have been, because this was the week. His PA checked us and sure enough, my water had broken. She called the hospital and told them we were on our way. Kendell and I  left the office hand in hand and full of mixed emotions. We were both excited and nervous. We had anticipated this day for months! Reaching the hospital, I started to feel the same sense of adrenaline that I had felt walking into the hospital with Knox. It's a determination beyond any determination I've felt- and hard to explain. It's a I will endure any pain, any suffering it takes to get by baby here kind of feeling. Mother instincts at it's finest I guess. Thank HEAVENS for that, or I would honestly be a sick mess sitting outside the hospital doors.
We made our way to Labor & Delivery where we were shown to a room. I gowned up and they hooked me to the monitor. We were asked the million questions and the nurse said that in her experience as a nurse, when water breaks this early they usually have the patient in the hospital for 24 hours while being pumped full of medicine to help the baby when it's born. After the 24 hours they would induce me. Kendell and I began to plan out the next few days- Time off work, Knox, sleeping arrangements- those types of things. Within minutes the doctor came into the room and told us we were not going to wait. We were having this baby today. I was given an IV and people were slowly getting things together. Doctor Leavitt decided to check baby to make sure his head was facing down. To our disappointment, he wasn't. Our baby boy was breach and that meant a c-section. At that point we were given a few different options. First, we could get an epidural and try to turn the baby. Second, we could get a T-dap and try to turn baby- both options had some cons. Lastly, we could just try to turn the baby without pain killers and go from there. After thinking it over, we decided on option three. The doctor tried three times to turn baby but he ended up getting wedged between my ribs.  There was our answer. Within seconds we had a team of probably 12 people running around getting things ready-Nurses, anesthesia, and doctors. I had become extremely nervous. I will never forget the look Kendell had on his face when we made eye contact. He was in the surgery scrubs, with tears running down his face . He grabbed my hand and whispered, "Everything is going to be okay." "He's going to be perfect." That was the most comforting thing he could have said in that moment. I needed to hear those words. At that point I didn't want to look away from Kendell. He was my comfort and I knew that whatever happened, we were in this together and would love this baby with all we had. I remembered the blessing I had been given earlier that day and I immediately began to find that motivation again. They wheeled me into the operating room, gave me the t-dap and we started. Within maybe 5 minutes they held my sweet baby over the curtain and I saw him for the first time. Kendell was right, he was absolutely perfect. They immediately took him to the NICU where they weighted him and got him taken care of. Sadly I wasn't able to hold him. While they were putting me back together a nurse came in and told me he weighed 6 lbs 3 oz. What a miracle! I was soon taken to recovery where I really struggled with the pain medication. I was completely nauseous for the first 2 or 3 days of my stay at the hospital. Kendell wheeled me down to the nicu that evening and I don't remember anything besides hearing someone say, "That's him!". I felt so SO bad that I wasn't able to really take that moment in- or lift my head up for that matter. After I began feeling better, Kendell and I were at every feeding around the clock.
It was a nightmare trying to pick a name for our little boy. Kendell and I really struggled with agreeing on a name. For months we brainstormed. Days after we still hadn't picked a name. The nicu named him "BB" (baby boy) Horman until we figured it out. We had discussed the name Madden, and we both really liked it. It was between that and Deegan. We soon settled on Madden and it immediately fit. The nurse wrote it on the board and we knew we had made the right choice.
Being in the nicu was the hardest thing I've ever had to experience. It's an emotional roller coaster! Feedings were every 3 hours around the clock and Madden was struggling eating. He struggled swallowing and the doctors were concerned he was aspirating. All his meals were being gavaged through his NG tube while he slowly learned to drink from a bottle. I would get so nervous feeding him because hearing him fight for air was more than I could handle. It was hard for me to watch. He was also on oxygen and had an IV for protein.The smallest things such as drinking 7 mls from a bottle was HUUUUGE. Most times he would take 5-10 mls and fall asleep so we would gavage the rest. Truly, that was all he could do. He tried SO hard and would breath like he just ran a marathon. We celebrated with each little milestone. I will never forget the feeling I had when he took his full feeding (54 mls) from the bottle. I sobbed! My Madden was making progress and we were one step closer to being home as a family! With the amount of hours we were spending in the nicu, my parents left their fifth wheel in the parking lot there so we could have a "home" away from home. We were able to make every night feeding and have a place to sleep, put groceries and have some normal in our lives. Knox even spent a few nights with us. It was perfect and exactly what we needed.
My biggest fear in all this was that Knox would struggle adjusting. For months I had told my mom that she was being willed Knox for as long as I was in the in the hospital having Madden. Little did I know it would be a two week ordeal. It was really important to me to have Knox in a place that felt like home and to keep our regular routine-Anything to avoid him being home sick. I knew he would  feel his world had been turned upside down and that was hard for me as a parent. I would see him every few days and as strange as it sounds, that was almost harder than not seeing him at all. Getting reacquainted was almost more than I could handle. He was confused when I got there, we would hug, play, hug, kiss, play and hug some more...only for him to be confused again when I had to leave a few hours later. We both sobbed as I would turn around and leave...time and time again. It was absolutely gut wrenching. I wished so badly that I could just stay and hold him. Brush his teeth, sing bedtime songs, have nightly prayers, and argue about him throwing food from his high chair- Normal daily things you take for granted. I felt as if I had two different families. Life with Knox was loud and chaotic and very time consuming. With Madden it was quiet, scheduled, and again, very time consuming but in a whole different way. We love them both the same, but it was definitely different. I wished every day that I could combined the two. As hard as I knew it would be adjusting to a life with two kids, I wanted it so badly! I ached for normalcy and to be able to be happy with my three boys in our own home. As hard as it all was, I knew that Knox was being very well taken care of and that he was having the time of his life at grandma and grandpas. Pigs, horses, cats, motorbikes, trampoline, boats, tractors...he was in seventh heaven and I could tell when I visited that he was loving every minute of it- enough that I felt he would forget about Kendell and I all together. ;) I don't think I'll ever be able to express the love and appreciation for the help we got from them while going through all this. It means the absolute world to us! We are now home and doing great! It's crazy how experiences like this make you so thankful for healthy bodies, modern medicine and Priesthood blessings. I have never spent more time on my knees than I did through this process. I've also gained such a strong testimony of how aware my Father in Heaven is of me- of all of us. I've seen the hand he's played in blessing Kendell and I with the strength needed to get through this- I know we're stronger because of it.